The Diary of Michiru Kaioh
by CEA
Summary: "Between missing the ocean and missing Haruka, I suddenly feel lonely in a way I never did before." Michiru's diary, from just before meeting Haruka, through her transformation into Sailor Neptune, and the S season of Sailor Moon, ages 13-16.
1. July 24, 1991

July 24, 1991

Summer break began this week, and while I am utilizing the extra practice time, I always feel a little lost without the daily structure of school. I am not idle; I spend my time swimming, practicing, and completing my homework for the next trimester, but as the work is hardly difficult I find myself with little to do sometimes. Yuki spends all his time at the baseball field, and Papa is working hard as usual. Mama and I seem to have less to talk about the older I get. She has decided that we will work more on my cooking skills during this summer break. I am not at all against learning the skill... but I am still uncomfortable, knowing that the purpose of it all is to make me a good wife. I really am still not sure if this makes me uncomfortable because I'm young, or I really just don't like the idea of spending my life doting on a faceless husband. I suppose I won't know until I'm older. Yesterday, after several hours playing my instrument, my father made a joke about how I didn't really need to be quite so good at violin when I was so well-suited to being a good housewife, and I felt myself panicking. But... how do I explain to him that the violin is my dream, more than a husband ever could be?

Mother is primarily concerned with my lack of friends. The thing that concerns me the most is how unconcerned I am about it. Everything I see around me tells me that that must be abnormal, but I don't feel lonely. I don't think anyone at school dislikes me, and I enjoy being around other people as long as the crowd isn't too large, but I can't think of anyone I want to spend extra time with, so why bother? I spend most of my extra time in the pool or the practice room, and I prefer it that way. Yuki has more than enough friends for the two of us. I am grateful I am not the prodigal son, and I will never have to inherit grandfather's company.

I've had the oddest urge to be by the ocean recently. The more time that goes by, the more strongly I feel. It's only a few miles southeast from this house and yet it feels so far away. I have no explanation for this, and it's beginning to alarm me. The weather's been so warm recently that I was hoping Mama or Papa might suggest we go to the beach, but so far nothing, and for some reason I am afraid to mention it. I feel as though seeing the ocean in person might change me forever right now. I can't explain it. It sounds crazy.

I have the unshakable feeling that my life is going to change soon. Is it because I am 13 now, or is something else happening? I really don't know, and I'm trying not to let it bother me too much. Writing it down helps, as always. It's hard to get these things off my mind when I suddenly have so much free time, but at least this weekend we're going to the race track. I've never seen a race, but Papa decided that the company should sponsor some young racers. I'm excited to see something new. It's only been a few days, but I need to spend less time in this house feeling as though my whole future is decided for me.

* * *

A/N: The next few entries are written and will be updated quickly. I do not have a beta reader for this, so please forgive any mistakes (and please, kindly let me know in a review – I will fix them!). Thank you for reading, and please review!


	2. July 28, 1991

July 28, 1991

I feel as though I have been struck by a gale force wind, and I have no idea how to even write this, so I'll do the best I can. Today, I saw someone... no, that won't work. How on earth do you begin to describe a moment like this?

We went to the race today. We had special tickets near the front, and Papa kept disappearing to introduce himself to his new racers, make sure the logos were visible, and similar things. Yuki was excited, but Mama seemed really put off by the loudness of the crowd. We sat with other high-ranking people from the company, and Ken-san seemed very excited to see us. It's been a long time since we had dinner with him and he seemed surprised to find that Yuki and I had grown so much. His son was there, and he and Yuki got along well, but I didn't appreciate the way he kept looking at me.

The race itself went well. Papa's top prospect was a young 'man' named Haruka Tenoh, who was my age and the youngest competitor there. This was his first formal race in the junior league, but from what Papa told us he already had quite the reputation. As I watched his car, I was struck by the absurd notion that he raced like someone who was running away from something - all wild talent and adrenaline, but not yet the maturity to control it. He placed third, and even from a distance, without seeing his face, I could tell he was very disappointed.

Afterward, Papa brought us down to introduce us to him and two other racers whose names I cannot recall. They hardly matter anyway.

All that matters is Haruka.

From the moment I saw him, I was instantly sure of two things: 1. That _he_ was, in fact, female, and 2. That I wanted her more than I had ever wanted anything in my entire life.

It was an absolutely terrifying feeling. I had no idea what to think of it - the first person I really wanted, and she was a girl? - so before we got there, I made an excuse and hurried away. I watched from the shadows as Papa introduced my family to her, butterflies racing in my stomach. I nearly felt sick, and I definitely felt dizzy.

And now, as I sit here writing this, I still have no idea what to write, what to think, how to act. I have been brought up to be a lady, the perfect daughter of a rich CEO whose destiny was to be married to the wealthy son of a similarly well-bred family and become the perfect wife. For a long time I have suspected that this was not the life I would choose, but today any last semblance of the dream my parents have for me was shattered. I can never be that person, and I have no idea if they can be happy with a daughter who is anything else.

I won't tell them. Not now. It's too new, too sudden, and I have no idea what to say. I will go about life normally, and I will see what the future holds.

But I need to figure out a way to see her again. Soon.


	3. August 17, 1991

August 17, 1991

Today we attended Haruka's second race. I knew it was today, because I asked Papa for a list of the races after we attended the last. He seemed amused by my sudden interest in racing. Mama was not amused; she stated that such things were not what young ladies attended, but Papa overruled her, and when he and Yuki planned to go today he asked if I wanted to come. I had already intended to go there with or without him.

She won. She was glorious. She outpaced everyone else by several seconds, an enormous lead. How do I describe her? Her blonde hair is short but not unfeminine, not to anyone who can tell the difference. It is a sandy blonde. She's quite tall for a female, several inches beyond me, and she has an undeniable grace on her feet. She is just so very cute!

Ken-san and his son, Kaito, attended as well, as Yuki and Kaito-san have spent so much time together recently on the baseball field. I ignored them, but listened as Papa and Ken-san discussed Haruka. She is barely older than I, and attends Azabu, which is amusing, to say the least. I felt weak at this news. Azabu is so close to Hiroo Gakuen, I could easily change my route home to bypass it every day if I wished. Her mother died when she was born. Her father owns high-class apartments in the central Azabu-Juuban district. She is said to be charming and outgoing, which I don't doubt, but I wonder if they can see the sadness in her eyes as I can?

School starts again in a few more weeks, and I can already feel a plan formulating. My parents are so rarely concerned about me, as I have never stepped outside the rules, that finding out more about Haruka should be relatively simple. If only I could think of a way to meet her. I don't know how to go about it. I feel certain, somehow, that she would return my feelings if I made them known, but that very certainty alarms me. How can I be so certain of something? I don't know her. I've only seen her twice now.

Oh, Ken-san also mentioned that Haruka is apparently a big, upcoming track star. I would love to know how she manages that while attending Azabu, unless she competes in the boys' field?

* * *

A/N: Azabu Junior High School and Hiroo Gakuen are real High Schools in the Azabu-Juuban District of Tokyo, where Sailor Moon takes place. Azabu is a boys-only school. I was unable to determine if Hiroo Gakuen actually existed in 1991, so forgive me if I made a mistake there! Thank you for reading, and please review!


	4. September 1, 1991

September 1st, 1991

School starts again tomorrow. I finished my homework weeks ago. Takahashi-sensei has scheduled lessons twice a week now, as my parents have finally agreed to let me enter the Menuhin Competition next year, and possibly the Concours Reine Elisabeth as well, though I am very young for that. I am certain I will do well at either. I already know most of the audition materials for the Concours Reine Elisabeth, though I would prefer to play Paganini's 24th caprice, which needs more work, and Takahashi-sensei insists I am not ready with Bach's Chaconne either. He may be right, but I don't think there is a single piece I love more than that one. I have a year to prepare. I am certain I will be ready in time. I am careful to not allow my acknowledgement of my talent to appear as arrogance, but in the privacy of this diary I can admit that I know how good I am, and am excited to know that I have the time and desire to be better still. Is there anything in the world more beautiful than the sound of a well-played violin?

Before, I would have said 'no', but it is embarrassing to admit that now, as I write that sentence, all I see is Haruka's face. I've seen her twice since my last entry. The company threw her a party in celebration of her first win (as well as the two others, who placed behind her in the top three - Papa chose well - but I would be lying if I said I even now knew their names). Mama was much more relaxed in this setting, as she always is when at fancy dinners. I dressed the part. Papa asked me to play the violin, but the prospect of Haruka noticing me terrified me, and I declined as politely as I could. I was happy he did not press the matter; what reason could I give? I can't even explain to myself why I am so certain I cannot let her see me. Am I afraid that she will be indifferent? Maybe. That would crush me completely. Takahashi-sensei agreed to play in my place, though I can tell from the way he spoke to me afterward that he will ask in the next lesson why I did not play, and I will need to think up a lie before then.

We went to the ocean three days ago. I planned to write then but didn't know what to write, as what occurred affected me even more than my first sighting of Haruka. It was the oddest feeling, standing in the sand by the sea. I felt as though the ocean was calling to me, louder there than anywhere. It was as though, with just the smallest bit more understanding, I would be able to speak its language and converse with it. When I stepped into the water, all anxieties fell away, and I knew I had come home. I have always been a fantastic swimmer, but suddenly I could stay underwater for long spans of time with no issues. I opened my eyes underwater and saw as clear as I did on land. I went deeper than I ever have before and scared my parents silly. When I finally came up my mother was crying and insisted I had disappeared for nearly five minutes. It had felt much briefer to me, and despite numerous apologies Papa insisted we go home. He kept explaining to Mama that I must have just been out of their vision behind waves, because there is no way a child can disappear underwater for five minutes, but she kept looking at me oddly, as though the explanation she'd come to was too odd to say. I lied as best I could. The truth would have sounded crazier.

I want to go back there. That feeling of being home evaporated the further we drove from the sea. Playing alleviates it for a while, but only a little while. Between missing the ocean and missing Haruka, I suddenly feel lonely in a way I never did before.

* * *

A/N: The Menuhin Competition and the Concours Reine Elisabeth are both extremely prestigious, elite violin competitions for youth. The pieces mentioned are real (and both are totally awesome - I recommend Hilary Hahn playing both if you were to look them up!). As always, thank you for reading, and please review!


	5. September 17, 1991

September 17th, 1991

I think I have to finally admit to myself that I have, essentially, become a stalker. I can't seem to help myself. On the first day back, I changed my route home to go past Azabu, but I didn't see her until the second day. She conversed easily with others, saying goodbye to several of the boys, but walked home entirely alone. I have since noticed that she appears to have no real close friends, a striking similarity between us. She is flirtatious with some of the girls she meets and much more outgoing than I am, but generally appears to spend her time by herself. And oh, she is just so cute! Everything about her is appealing.

I didn't follow her home until Friday, when I knew that Papa was taking Mama out for their anniversary dinner and would not notice my prolonged absence. I expected her to live in her father's apartments, but they live in a small apartment above a bakery, which he appears to also own. He is as tall as his daughter, but I am envious of his warmth. I know that Mama and Papa love me, but Haruka's Papa shows it in a way they never do. I realized that he was at the two races we attended, but did not sit in the same area with us, which surprised me. I am not sure why he wouldn't choose to sit with his daughter's sponsors. Perhaps he already knew that he wasn't like them.

My painting class began with the start of the new term, and Yamaguchi-sensei was very excited to see how I developed while taking classes last term. She pulled me aside last week to discuss giving me special lessons outside of class, with the goal of hosting my first show next year. The two paintings I am working on right now both feature ocean themes. I still cannot stop thinking about the sea, and that longing has transformed my paintings from good to spectacular. She thinks it's a good theme for a young painter. Mama was excited to hear this, of course - she's always preferred my art to my music. Papa talked about adding another item to the list of things he could brag about me, which makes me uncomfortable. Yuki's reaction surprised me the most. We're so different, and his talents always lay outside the realm of the arts, but I could tell he was upset to hear of my success. Doesn't he realize how much more freedom he has?

* * *

A/N: I'm trying to write this like a real diary. It always bothered me when I would read a book or fanfic labeled a 'diary', but they were full of the sort of details that people don't actually remember, like long word-for-word conversations, or sudden exposition drops that no one actually would write in their own diaries. Please feel free to let me know how I am doing! I've never tried something like this before. Also, the fact that Michiru basically admits to Haruka in episode 106 that she stalked her for a long time before she even knew she was Sailor Uranus always struck me as hilarious for some reason.


	6. September 29, 1991

September 29th, 1991

Yuki announced yesterday that he, Kaito-san, and some friends were planning on going to the beach with some other older boys from the high school. I couldn't stop myself from asking to go, and the surprised looks I got from my family made me cringe inside. I tried to explain that I simply wanted to go to the beach before the weather prevented it, but Mama and Papa agreed that it was not possible for me to go swimming with a large group of boys. I was panicking, at this point, in a way I never do, and I found myself asking if I could go if I invited another girl to go with me, and we could go off on our own.

"A girl, Michiru-baka?" Yuki asked. "When was the last time you invited a friend here?"

He was right, but it was mean of him to say, even if I could tell he was upset at me for inviting myself along. I think Papa said 'yes' only because Yuki said something so mean. But... then I had to think of a girl to invite, and I realized I had no idea whom to pick, so I took the phone and went upstairs to think for a moment, and then called Elsa Gray.

Elsa-san was surprised to hear from me, and I could feel myself blushing as I invited her to the beach. I expected her to say 'no'. When was the last time we had spent any time together? Even now I can't remember. We have classes together and sometimes sit with each other, but we haven't been close in over a year. But she said 'yes', and I am grateful to her for that. Her mother asked if she could accompany us, which made Mama feel a lot better. Yuki was really angry though, and I feel badly about it. I know I ruined his day.

The ocean was as lovely as before, but I couldn't enjoy it because I had to stay with Elsa-san, who couldn't stay under as long or go as deep. I'd forgotten what a nice girl she was, though. I can't talk to most of my peers for very long before they remember how successful I am and grow distant, but Elsa-san never seems to care. Maybe it's because she's so talented in her own field? I'm not sure, but it was refreshing to sit and talk to someone without fear of their disapproval.

We were sitting on the beach after swimming when she told me I reminded her of the sea. It made my stomach flip. I asked her why, and she laughed. "Baka," she teased. "Haven't you ever looked in the mirror?"

She's been invited to a special competition for talented female athletes next weekend, and I told her I would come to see her. I enjoyed spending time with her. I'd forgotten how nice it can be to have someone kind to talk to without fear or reservation.

* * *

A/N: Silly Michiru-san, no person is an island!


	7. October 5, 1991

October 5, 1991

Elsa-san won the competition easily in our age group today. Mama and I went together; she'd always liked Elsa-san's parents. Elsa-san invited me to sit with her group at lunch this past week. It was awkward at first. Most of the girls there didn't seem to know how to relate to me, but Elsa-san's humor and kindness bridged the gap.

She did tell them about my potential official debut as an artist, which I hadn't told anyone else. She said it with pride, but I could see in some of the other girl's eyes the irritation and jealousy I am used to from my peers. They were cordial about it, and some seemed excited or awed. I can't blame them. I have always understood that it is hard to see someone your age succeed so enormously. It makes it very hard for me to talk to anyone, though.

Haruka plays the piano. Every Wednesday afternoon she takes her lessons at the music shop where I first met Takahashi-sensei when I was a child. She practices above the bakery sometimes, and she is very talented. Technically perfect, but plays with a surprising lack of emotion. She goes through the motions. I wonder that she plays at all. Be that as it may, when I play now I dream of hearing her accompanying me. What would our music sound like? Oh, but she is really just so wonderful! Takahashi-sensei wants me to make my debut in a large-scale recital soon. We were reading through some shorter pieces to break up the larger ones I will play, and the look on his face after I finished Beethoven's Romance No. 2 made me feel insecure. "Kaioh-san," he said, looking at me as though I were a new person, "is there a boyfriend I don't know about? You've always been technically perfect, but I've never heard such passion in your playing before."

I blushed. I am blushing now as I write it. I can see Haruka's face as I move my bow across the strings. It makes me feel warm. I can hear the difference in my playing as well. She makes me better without knowing me! Oh, but I must come up with a plan, some time, eventually...

My first painting for the show is coming together quickly. It's simple, and cliche, really: moonlight on the ocean. My goal is to paint the scene with all the longing that I feel mirrored in the reflection of the light, shimmering on the surface. I've been sketching several shipwreck scenes for my next painting, and studying Aivazovsky. There's an exhibit of his work at the Tokyo Metropolitan next month, and Mama promised to take me. I am glad her enthusiasm for this part of my life is growing; otherwise, I'm not sure we would have anything to talk about. She takes me shopping, and teaches me what she feels I need to know to be the perfect housewife, and we never talk about anything real. I wonder every day if she is happy.

* * *

A/N: Aivazovsky was a prolific painter of ship and ocean scenes. Beethoven's Romance No. 2 is very pretty; my favorite recording is of Jascha Heifetz playing it :)


	8. November 15, 1991

November 15, 1991

Some time has passed since my last entry, and even so I'm not sure what to write. Life has continued in much the same way, and I am busier than ever! I am working to perfect Bach's Partita No. 2 and Paganini's 24th Caprice. I am patient though. Takahashi-sensei is searching for a suitable accompanist for me, for the recital, and possibly the competition recordings. He keeps speaking of the opportunities that will arise if I win either competition, and I try not to become too excited. It is my dream to play on the biggest stages of the world, to sell CDs and inspire new generations to appreciate the beauty of my instrument, and while I am certain I can accomplish this dream it is an undeniably large one. The recital is set for early January, and Takahasi-sensei has invited some of the great violinists from Japan there. "All this talk about Suwanai," he said, "and they have no idea that the most prodigious young violinst in the world is sitting right here in Tokyo." I didn't point out that Suwanai is several years older than I am. He's angry with my parents for not putting me in Toho Gakuen, or using their inluence to get me a debut with a major orchestra. We didn't discuss it much; he knows well enough that, while they are supportive of my violin playing in general, they are not supportive of a career.

Swim club starts up soon, and Oda-sensei pulled me aside last week to tell me that he was naming me President of the Junior High club. I thanked him, of course. Papa expressed concern that I was piling too much onto my plate, and I must admit that 4 extra classes per week, plus all the additional violin practice time and sketching, does eat into much of my free time, but I don't mind. I could hardly give up violin or my art classes, and how can I possibly drop swim club when it feels like the closest I can get to the ocean these days? I haven't been to the beach since Elsa-san and I went together a month and a half ago.

Oh! The Aivazovsky exhibit was absolutely amazing! The way he paints light is absolutely extraordinary. I stood in front of _Ships At Anchor_ for nearly half an hour, until Mama laughingly pulled me away. The way he colored the painting was so romantic, these amazingly soft oranges and yellows that permeate the landscape. I felt bathed in warmth. When I walked away, though, I felt my desire to hear the waves of the ocean had only intensified. I honestly found myself looking through the tapes when we went shopping yesterday to try to find beach waves, and then had to stop myself from crying when I realized how odd that was.

The girls at school have relaxed around me since Elsa pulled me into her crowd. I know their opinions shouldn't matter, but... I am, after all, only human.

* * *

A/N: Suwanai was a prodigious talent in the early 90's in Japan, who won or placed in the competitions mentioned a few chapters ago.


End file.
